Scrolling through the News Feed on Facebook, I found a video of Pokemon Season 1’s theme song rendered by the same guy who first sang it 20 years back. This was after midnight and I was trying to get back to sleep after being awakened by my cellphone ringing, but seeing this video set my heart beating. It sent my pulse racing, adrenaline flowing, hormones crazy and caused practically every biological event associated with nostalgic excitement. Suddenly I was transported back 13 years to class 6, waking up in the morning to “I’ll be the very best, that no one ever was… Ta ta ta ta… To catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause”. It is incredible how a mere cartoon had assumed such larger than life importance. However, this article is not about Pokemon. It is about the place where I used to stay when all this was happening. The place where I grew up, went to school, made the best friends, and then left more than 6 years back to only come back to sporadically for a few days every year. It’s, perhaps ironically, referred to as the ‘City of Joy’. That place is Kolkata.
It’s a dying city. Everyone with a sensible head on their shoulders is leaving. Soon it will become a relic of the past, a mere shadow of its vibrant self during British India. Disasters happen every now and then. It’s too hot. Way too humid. Bengalis are lazy. They do nothing but have cha-adda sessions, eat roshogollas and discuss politics. The government is fucked up. Industry is decaying. There is too much traffic. Rallies and roadblocks every day. No one has any ambition. It’s dirty. It’s disorganized. It’s overlooked during national development. Kichu hobe na Kolkatar. Kichhhu hobe na!
Are we done? Good. Now that we have got the mandatory negatives out of the way, let’s come to Kolkata. Not the ‘Kolkata’ which people in their final year of college refer to as the last place they want to get placed at, but the real Kolkata. What exactly is Kolkata?
It might seem weird that I, someone who hasn’t lived in Kolkata for a long while, should try to answer this question. But I have lived long enough in the city to try to characterize it. Kolkata is a place which thinks. It acts less. It thinks more. People use their brains. That, fortunately or unfortunately, is not the key to development the way we know it today. Development is about action. At some point you have to stop thinking and go for it. Build something and see how it turned out. Chances are it won’t be the perfect thing. But then, people don’t generally look for the perfect thing. Much as I may love math, the world is based on engineering, not math. Engineering is based on being ‘correct enough’, not perfect. As a simple example, think of a video you’re playing on your computer screen. Is it really a fluidly moving picture, the way things move in real life? The answer is no. A video is a collection of images which are displayed at a rate of 50 every second. So one image stays on the screen for about 20 milliseconds before being replaced by its next. Now, when the human eye sees an image, it stays in the brain for up to 100 milliseconds (this phenomenon is called persistence of vision). So if the image gets replaced by another within 20 milliseconds, the human eye won’t be able to distinguish between them and call them separate images. The result is that the video appears to exactly mimic real life where something moves continuously.
How did human beings come to realize this? Engineering. Engineers realized that by showing 50 images per second, they were being good enough for human eye purposes. If an ant was being shown a video, it might experience ‘framing’ or ‘buffering’ effects if its persistence of vision happens to be less than 20 milliseconds. In that case, ant engineers would simply increase the frame rate to a number such that it appears to be smooth to ant eyes. That’s all you need, being ‘good enough’. Don’t strive for perfection because that’s an ideal concept to be dreamed about, not to be attempted in reality.
And it’s here where Kolkata is being naive. Kolkatans like to dream. They are idealists. Hopeless and helpless romantics. They believe in emotions and beauty instead of trying to build something which works. Other people build things that are ‘good enough’. And when it ceases to be ‘good enough’, they build a better version. And then a better one. Always strive for something which gets the job done. Where is the need to do extra stuff and try to be too good? You might have heard people telling you to go the extra mile and do things not asked for, because hey, extra goodness never hurts right? You know what? It does. Extra goodness does hurt. I have learnt this thing in the US. People appear to be so good and efficient at what they do, but that’s because they only do what’s needed to be done without worrying about doing extra. You don’t have to be a hero, it will come back to haunt you later. That extra thing you do will eat into your leisure time, which will leave you dissatisfied with your leisure, which will leave you craving more leisure, which, ultimately, will eat up into the time in which you were supposed to be doing your job. So don’t go the extra mile. Do as much as is needed, but do that very well.
And you dickhead Kolkata, you won’t realize this. Kolkatans are too bothered about others, about trying to do more than necessary and finally ending up doing less of what is necessary. There’s one more thing. Presentation. Kolkata isn’t bothered about presentation. It doesn’t fit in with their mode of idealism and with their intelligence. Let’s face it, Kolkata people are intelligent. Call me proud, but I will say this, in terms of pure intelligence, Kolkatans rank very high. Some of the best scientists and researchers in the country come from Kolkata. But, and this is a big ‘but’, in terms of useful intelligence, Kolkata either falls woefully short or just decides not to use it. You see, presentation is important because the world has a lot of people and communication between different individuals and groups is a key way to success and development. There’s only so much that can be done alone. 2 non-Kolkata heads, each having 60% of the intelligence of a single Kolkata head, still has more combined intelligence. And no matter how much you pride your individuality, at some point you have to rely on other humans. I am guessing Einstein probably didn’t cook too often, he relied on someone to do it for him. You need presentation and communication to get yourself in the spotlight and get resources to develop further. There’s another name for it, it’s called advertising. Kolkata sucks at it.
There’s a flip side to this. It’s that when something is ‘bad enough’, you should not do it. This is where the dirty side of Kolkata comes into play. I read an article years back that it’s becoming a red city thanks to the alarming frequency at which betel leaf (paan) chewers spit in every place and direction imaginable. Now here’s the thing, spitting betel juice is something ‘bad enough’ for people to refrain from doing. In other words, it shouldn’t be done. These are cases where you should go the extra mile in keeping the juice inside your mouth till you get to a appropriate place to spit it out. In fact, I shouldn’t be calling it ‘going the extra mile’. This is going the regular mile, it’s part of your duty. It’s something taxi drivers in Kolkata should be worried about. And having measures in place to attempt to curb this menace (and usher in increased hygiene in general) is something the government should be doing, it’s part of their job, not part of the extra mile. But like I said, Kolkata isn’t really bothered about presentation. People are gonna keep living in Kolkata anyway, who cares if I bless this particular square inch of Tollygunge Circular Road with my prized red spit? Except that people are not continuing to keep on living in Kolkata, many are leaving. It’s not directly due to a single gob of spit, but the overall tarnish and lack of presentation and shine in a city where people don’t seem to care about such things.
Politics. I won’t pretend to know much about it because I don’t. I do know communist guys ruled the city for 34 years and evidently did more bull shit than good, then were replaced by a lady who epitomizes the reason why I don’t want to marry, because I don’t want to stand the tantrums of a physically and vocally gigantic female. Anyway, Mamata Banerjee, a good friend of mine tells me, is not very educated. Period.
Sports. Yay, let’s talk sports. This is one of the brightest points to life in Kolkata. The city loves football. Apart from having a rich history in the sport, Kolkatans are extremely passionate about the game. India has never played in the football world cup and hasn’t come close to qualifying in recent memory (and never will, even if 100 nations contested the world cup), yet inexplicably Kolkata celebrates events like the World Cup as if it’s happening in its own backyard. Look at the Brazil and Argentina flags in nondescript Kolkata bylanes and you would be forgiven for thinking the actual teams were staying in a hotel a mile away. This ridiculous fanaticism aside, Kolkatans understand their football. They can talk about it. Talk knowledgeably, that is. Much too knowledgeably for your liking. They ardently support clubs in Europe and follow the game regularly. This is in contrast to most other parts of India, which follow the behemoth known as cricket. I used to follow cricket till recently, then somehow I lost interest to the extent that now choosing to watch cricket while a football game is on would be as absurd as eating green vegetables when there’s chicken in the fridge. (Although now that I am getting older, I will admit that I have begun to see the benefits of green vegetables and might actually opt for them even when there’s chicken in the fridge. But I will never opt for cricket when football is on.)
Now let’s come to the general idea of Kolkata and its perceived decay. Is Kolkata really decaying? That depends on how you define decay. It is not as glitzy and job-creating and youth-attracting as Delhi or Bangalore or Mumbai, but it’s not decaying. The city retains its charm, its unique pulse, its own throbbing existence. People care. They feel things from deep down. They speak from their heart. They are not hypocrites. They know their stuff and impart their knowledge freely, even when no one asked for it. Kolkatans are kind. They are not generous, they are probably more cheap than their counterparts in other cities, but Kolkatans are nice. They really is no other word for it. Kolkatans are nice. Modern society rewards hard work, efficiency and minding your own business. I am not debating whether this is good or bad, but that’s the way it is. Kolkata is not hardworking, it’s inefficient and constantly pokes its nose elsewhere. Modern society rewards presentation and professionalism, not romanticism. Kolkata is romantic and unprofessional. Do you see where I am going? A hospital in Kolkata will have some of the best doctors in the country, but its exterior will be so dilapidated, you would much rather fly to a different city to get yourself treated rather than enter that building. Kolkata is just different from what the average person perceives as appropriate. That doesn’t mean its bad. Is it bad to be different? You tell me.